[She Says] Episode 28: Out of Goodbyes


Not really sure how to feel about it.
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can’t live without you.
It takes me all the way.
I want you to stay

Rihanna feat. Mikky Ekko — Stay

Murakami once said: it’s hard to tell the difference between sea and sky, between voyager and sea. Between reality and the working of the heart.  

Gue nggak pernah suka membaca fiksi dalam bentuk apapun, dan kalau bukan karena Taya, gue mungkin nggak akan tahu bahwa Haruki Murakami bukanlah pencipta Doraemon.

Wait, hold that thought. Rewind, rewind, rewind, and pause.

Kening gue sontak berkerut saat gue menemukan bayangan gue—all dressed up in my perfect wedding tux—terpantul di cermin setinggi badan yang berdiri di hadapan gue. I am all ready to marry her—the woman that I used to picture as my wife for years—yet here I am, letting my mind flies into that forbidden territory.

Taya.

Have you ever felt this kind of love?

Sebuah cinta yang datang menghantammu dengan begitu tiba-tiba hingga kau kehilangan kemampuanmu untuk bisa berpikir dengan jernih. Sebelum kau sempat mengerti mengapa—atau bagaimana—cinta itu sudah mengkonsumsi seluruh relung hatimu. The next thing you know is that you’re blinded by this love. Your desire to live your ordinary life has been replaced by the desire to be consumed wholeheartedly by this love. It’s either that, or you’re sure that you’ll go crazy for the rest of your life.

All the things that I thought I knew was no use when it came to this lady. Selama ini, gue berpikir bahwa cinta dimotori oleh dua hati yang berpadu dalam irama dan ritme yang sama. Tapi tidak. Maybeat some point—that was how it worked in our relationship. Maybe I failed to see when exactly Taya decided to give up on us. All I know is that I was fully aware from the beginning that sooner or later we have to eventually bid our goodbye. I just don’t know that it will be this hard.

Tak peduli sekeras apapun gue berusaha untuk menjabarkan logika di balik rasa yang hampir membuat gue gila ini, gue nggak bisa mendapatkan kesimpulan apapun. You can differentiate reality and dream, but you can never differentiate reality and the working of the heart.

Mungkin gue harus menyerah saja. Tidak ada gunanya terus-menerus berusaha menjawab, karena emosi sekuat ini tidak membutuhkan alasan, jawaban, apalagi kesimpulan. There are lots of things we can never understand, no matter how many years we put on, no matter how much experience we accumulate. What I know and believe now is if feelings take over everything, it means that they must be real.

Pada akhirnya, gue memutuskan untuk tidak memberitahu Taya tentang pernikahan gue. Gue mundur perlahan-lahan dari hidupnya. Menyakitkan melihat bagaimana Taya bahkan tidak mempertanyakan kealpaan gue dari hidupnya. Seakan-akan sejak awal gue tidak pernah memiliki esensi tersendiri dalam dunianya.

Gue jadi teringat kejadian beberapa bulan lalu, ketika Taya meminta putus dan gue menolaknya mentah-mentah. Sisi egois gue terlalu takut akan rasa sakit yang pastinya akan menggerogoti gue jika gue melepaskannya.

Akan tetapi, perlahan-lahan gue mulai menyadari bahwa rasa takut akan rasa sakit itu jauh lebih buruk daripada rasa sakit itu sendiri. Gue bukan Naya. Gue nggak akan mengambil jalan pintas untuk mengakhiri masalah gue. Only a selfish loser checks out from life way too early and passes around his misery to everyone else.

Mulai sekarang, yang bisa gue lakukan adalah berusaha berjalan tertatih dengan sebelah hati gue. No, that doesn’t mean that I won’t be happy for the rest of my life because Taya is no longer a part of my life. That only means I have to be contended with what I have now. Loving it like I have never loved before. Giving it my all until I am lost, drowning in the depth of this new love.

Gue menutup mata gue dan membiarkan wajah Taya muncul dalam benak gue selama satu menit penuh. Gue ijinkan diri gue untuk menelusuri lekuk-lekuk bibirnya saat ia tertawa lepas. Gue biarkan aroma parfumnya memenuhi paru-paru gue.

Setetes airmata turun membasahi wajah gue ketika akhirnya gue membuka mata gue dan bayangan Taya menghilang dari benak gue. This is it.

This is goodbye.

4 thoughts on “[She Says] Episode 28: Out of Goodbyes

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